For the past 8 or so weeks I've seen a flurry of twitter and facebook updates from my friends about their training for the upcoming race season. I was sick for those 8 weeks. First I had the flu, then a sinus infection, then bronchitis. I lasted 8 weeks because I am an idiot. When I had the flu I did a 75 mile road ride in freezing temps. 50 miles into that ride my fever broke and I was shivering uncontrollably. I didn't know if I could make it home. I did and the rest of the ride wasn't that bad. Mind control is a powerful thing. I rested for 2 days post ride, felt a little better, figured I was close enough to recovery and did another ride. Rinse and repeat for 8 weeks. I hated being off the bike and instead of just taking the time to let my body heal, I kept riding. Southern Cross was coming up quickly and I had a goal set for myself. I wanted to be training hard and ready to race and meet my goal. The plan was to leave Valentines Day morning with a van full of 8 fun people. Few things make me happier than racing road trips with friends. And to top it off, our destination was to beautiful Dahlongea, GA. Such a fun time I wanted to be prepared for to truly be able to enjoy the whole experience. If I had just rested my sick body for only a couple weeks I would be back on the bike training like every one else. Lesson learned the hard way. The stress of my upcoming move and being sick for 8 weeks was hard to take. Seeing every one else training hard when I couldn't, UPPERCUT.
|My grandma, tearing up the dance floor at my wedding|
"If I could save time in a bottle the first thing that I'd like to do is to save every day till eternity passes away. If I could make days last forever. If words could make wishes come true. But there never seems to be enough time to do the things you want to do, once you find them." -Jim Croce
The death of my grandma hit me hard the day I found out. I remember sitting on my couch with my head in my hands thinking "how much MORE can I take???? I've been sick forever and can't train, I've got a ton of stuff to do to get ready for my move, and now my last living grandparent is gone." The answer I came up with was that I can take more. I choose to not have to. Sometimes life delivers no other choice. I must wake up every day and continue to live. Live the happiest life I possibly can. I then opened my eyes to the realization that this is all a test of my strength. I am strong and will continue to be. That night I drank a few too many beers. I woke up the next morning resolved to let it all go and move on.
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole." -Roger Caras
For the past 10 years she has been the only constant in my life. Marriage, come and gone. Boyfriends, come and gone. Places to call home, come and gone. Through every thing she has always been there. I've truly never been alone. The thought of waking up some morning and her being gone feels unbearable at this point. Now, every day I wake up, I feel needed. She depends on me. Some day I will wake up to a reality that I'm no longer needed. The emptiness inside will be a hard pill to swallow. It will be the truest test of mental strength I've ever experienced. Some day I will have to deal with her death. I will likely ask myself then, "how much more can I take?" I have to prepare myself to be able to answer that question with, "I can take more. I choose not to have to."
"Yes, I understand that every life must end.
As we sit alone, I know someday we must go.
Oh I'm a lucky man, to count on both hands the ones I love
Some folks just have one, yeah, others, they've got none
Stay with me...
Let's just breathe...
As I come clean...
I wonder everyday, as I look upon your face,
Everything you gave
And nothing you would save, oh no
Nothing you would take
Everything you gave
Hold me til I die
Meet you on the other side..."
-Eddie Vedder, Just Breathe