Uppercuts

"Wondering if I'll stay young and restless. Living this way I stress less.  I want to pull away when the dream dies. The pain sets in and I don't cry. I only feel gravity and I wonder why." -Nelly Furtado

For the past 8 or so weeks I've seen a flurry of twitter and facebook updates from my friends about their training for the upcoming race season.    I was sick for those 8 weeks.   First I had the flu, then a sinus infection, then bronchitis.   I lasted 8 weeks because I am an idiot.   When I had the flu I did a 75 mile road ride in freezing temps.  50 miles into that ride my fever broke and I was shivering uncontrollably.  I didn't know if I could make it home.  I did and the rest of the ride wasn't that bad.  Mind control is a powerful thing.  I rested for 2 days post ride, felt a little better, figured I was close enough to recovery and did another ride.  Rinse and repeat for 8 weeks.  I hated being off the bike and instead of just taking the time to let my body heal, I kept riding.  Southern Cross was coming up quickly and I had a goal set for myself.   I wanted to be training hard and ready to race and meet my goal.  The plan was to leave Valentines Day morning with a van full of 8 fun people.  Few things make me happier than racing road trips with friends.  And to top it off, our destination was to beautiful Dahlongea, GA.  Such a fun time I wanted to be prepared for to truly be able to enjoy the whole experience.  If I had just rested my sick body for only a couple weeks I would be back on the bike training like every one else.  Lesson learned the hard way.  The stress of my upcoming move and being sick for 8 weeks was hard to take.  Seeing every one else training hard when I couldn't, UPPERCUT.

My grandma, tearing up the dance floor at my wedding

3 weeks ago I was talking to a friend about my sweet grandma who has alzheimers.  I told him of a story my grandma used to repeatedly tell.   When I was a little girl, 4 years old maybe, she took me to a store. Outside that store was one of those plastic childrens horse rides.  You put a quarter in it and you can ride on the horsey for a minute or so.  I hopped on and my grandma put a quarter in it, but the horse didn't move. The machine was broken.  I was pissed.   At that age, riding the plastic horsey ride was big excitement for me.  I asked her to put another quarter in and try again.   She looked in her purse and didn't have any more quarters.   I looked her right in the eye and said, "grandma this is bullshit."  She started laughing and to me, the situation was a serious one.  Definitely not a laughing matter. What just came out of her 4 year old grand daughters mouth she found comical.   My friend suggested that I now find a plastic horsey ride and have someone take a picture of me on it. Then show my grandma the picture and see if it jars her memory. What a cool experiement!   My grandma has pretty advanced alzheimers, she didn't even recognize her own son.  When she would see me she remembered my name started with an S.   That small thing meant so much to me.  I was excited for horsey experiment and started to think of places that might have one.    My grandma suddenly passed away 4 days after I had that conversation with my friend.  UPPERCUT.   I will never have the chance to do my experiement.  If I had the chance to show her the picture and she remembered the story, I likely would have cried.   What a great moment that could have been for us. 

"If I could save time in a bottle the first thing that I'd like to do is to save every day till eternity passes away.  If I could make days last forever. If words could make wishes come true.  But there never seems to be enough time to do the things you want to do, once you find them." -Jim Croce

The death of my grandma hit me hard the day I found out.  I remember sitting on my couch with my head in my hands thinking "how much MORE can I take????  I've been sick forever and can't train, I've got a ton of stuff to do to get ready for my move, and now my last living grandparent is gone."  The answer I came up with was that I can take more. I choose to not have to.  Sometimes life delivers no other choice.  I must wake up every day and continue to live.  Live the happiest life I possibly can.  I then opened my eyes to the realization that this is all a test of my strength.  I am strong and will continue to be.  That night I drank a few too many beers.  I woke up the next morning resolved to let it all go and move on.

A week later my dog was diagnosed with cancer.  UPPERCUT.   Honestly, it's the biggest hit I've taken in all my life.   Her surgery was immediately scheduled for this Valentines Day.  A kick to the heart in more than one way.  The day I was to leave for Southern Cross.   A race I now will not be attending.  I have and always will say, life is so much about perspective.  What I thought a week ago seemed so hard to get over was nothing compared to this.  This felt too much.   My dog, my sweet baby, has something horrible inside of her that is killing her.   As a mother, I felt defenseless.   Nothing I can do to stop it. I went numb for days.   Her cancer mass will be removed with surgery, but unfortunately it's an agressive form.  It's likely already spread and it will certainly come back.  If it were possible, I would take the cancer on myself.  To save her.  I know I could beat it.  She has no idea what's really going on. No idea she's in a fight for her life.  Such innocence.  I hold her and I can feel something bad has already happened inside her.  She's acting unlike herself.  She knows something is wrong.   I know something is wrong.  When we look into each others eyes now, I can't even imagine not being able to look at her sweet face for the rest of my days on earth.   I wonder what she thinks...

"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole." -Roger Caras

For the past 10 years she has been the only constant in my life.   Marriage, come and gone.   Boyfriends, come and gone.  Places to call home, come and gone.  Through every thing she has always been there.  I've truly never been alone.   The thought of waking up some morning and her being gone feels unbearable at this point.  Now, every day I wake up, I feel needed.  She depends on me.  Some day I will wake up to a reality that I'm no longer needed.  The emptiness inside will be a hard pill to swallow.   It will be the truest test of mental strength I've ever experienced.  Some day I will have to deal with her death.   I will likely ask myself then, "how much more can I take?"   I have to prepare myself to be able to answer that question with, "I can take more.  I choose not to have to."

"Yes, I understand that every life must end.

As we sit alone, I know someday we must go.

Oh I'm a lucky man, to count on both hands the ones I love

Some folks just have one, yeah, others, they've got none

Stay with me...

Let's just breathe...

As I come clean...

I wonder everyday, as I look upon your face,

Everything you gave

And nothing you would save, oh no

Nothing you would take

Everything you gave

Hold me til I die

Meet you on the other side..."

 

-Eddie Vedder, Just Breathe

Guaranteed

I heard this line in a song once:

 "I've come to know that memories were the best things you ever had."  Old Pine by Ben Howard.

Thanks for the intro to it TJ!!

It stuck hard with me and it's a statement I believe in.    The more memories in my life I can create, the more fulfilled my life will be.  No material possession can ever be as valuable to me as my memories. They are the best things I will ever have.

The people that touch my life are of very high value to me.   I try to create as many memories with them as possible.   No one lives forever.  Today is a gift.  Tomorrow is not a given.   I have been fortunate enough to not have any one suddenly taken from my life.   I am however, aware that those odds exist which is another reason creating memories with said people are so important. They might leave my life, but the memories of them will live on forever in my mind and heart.

I mentioned my 'bucket list' in my last blog.    I also mentioned I dislike calling it that.   I had a lot of time this past weekend to think of a better name while I was out riding my bike.  On Sunday I had arranged for a friend to take me on a road ride in an area I am somewhat familiar with, close to where I'm moving soon.    As we were riding down back roads that I have traveled before years ago (by car), I started to get my bearings and realize where we were at.   It took a while to recognize some places as so much has changed since I had been there last.  I had forgotten my way around.  As I came upon some places I remembered times that I had spent there.  We rode past the Vet office I first took my dog to, a park where I used to watch softball games on summer evenings, the first house my old best friend bought, my high school boyfriends house, my friends fathers dental office, a cold spring fed lake I once dipped my toes into with a friend, we also crossed part of the appalachian trail that I hiked on a back packing trip, along with so many other memorable places.  The ride conjured up so many memories that I had forgotten about as it's been years since I've been on these roads.

Life happens and memories are created.  Do I want my life to only contain simple memories as stated above?   I can resolutely answer that as NO.

Bucket lists create profound memories.   Vivid, fabulous, awesome, unforgettable,  memories that you make happen.  Here is my bucket list.  It's a full list of everything I could remember that I've ever wanted to do.  It will no doubt be added to.  I will no longer refer to AS a bucket list though.  My friend suggested a solid name, a Fucket List.  As in, "Fucket, I'm doing this!"  

SaSa's Fucket List:

*Own a gun and not be scared to shoot it

*Learn to drive a standard vehicle then drive a chic sports car

*Complete a Half Ironman

*Complete a Marathon

*Ride my bike across the United states.   Mountain bike from North to South.  Road bike from West to East Coast.

*Do a multi day bike tour in another country.  Road bike in France and Mountain bike in England or Ireland.  Locations subject to future change, but concept remains the same.

*Get my motorcycle license and greatly improve my dirt bike riding skills

*Climb a big mountain

*Learn to ski well enough to ski back country

*See the Northern Lights in Alaska

I know a lot of people that want to do certain things with their life.  Years go by and said certain things still remain undone.   I refuse to let that be me.    There are a lot of things in my life I have wanted to do and I did complete, a former  Fucket List.   It wasn't as formal as this hand written promise to myself, but it was a bucket list.  And I have crossed things off of it.    This list is a fresh start.   From today on I make a promise to myself to work on creating the memories on this list.

I'll be knocking off the 'climb a big mountain' with my Mt Rainier trip in June.  Hopefully I'll be able to complete some of the above before then.  But it certainly feels good to have a solid plan in place for at least one of them right now.

I've rewritten by hand the list above (as the original was chicken scratch) and it's now more legible.  I have framed it and it's hanging on the wall in front of my bike that I have set up on the trainer.  As I sit and churn the pedals for hours on end, this list will no doubt provide hours of dreaming and scheming.   #getitdone

"On bended knee is no way to be free

Lifting up an empty cup, I ask silently

That all my destinations will accept the one that's me

So I can breathe

Got a mind full of questions and a teacher in my soul

And so it goes

Wind in my hair I feel part of everywhere

Underneath my being is a road that disappeared

Leave it to me as I find a way to be

Consider me a satellite forever orbiting

I know all the rules but the rules did not know me

Guaranteed"

-Guaranteed by Eddie Vedder

My disparate youth

"We said our dreams will carry us and if they don't fly we will run.  Now we push right past to find out, how to win what they all lost. We know now we want more.  A life worth fighting for."

Ahhh...January is upon us.   It's the time of year that cyclists every where start working on their base fitness and the excitement of the upcoming season looms.  Normally I have my race schedule set months before I hazily ring in the New Year.  I'm a logisitican, which means by nature, I logically plan...EVERY thing.   Not this time.  2013 is different.   It's a year of big change for me.   The race schedule had to in a differnt manner. I am judging things with a view I am normally not open to.  I eventually finalized it and it was in essence, fabulous.  

I ran it by a friend and he said "it's doable, but not easy."

Perfect.  

Yet it was not.   Something about it didn't feel right.  

On paper, it was the most awesome race schedule I've made for myself thus far.   In 2013 my bike racing will take me to 5 states I've never been to (or ridden in) and to 1 amazing new country.  In addition to states I've already visited, I'll also be racing my bike in Georgia, Oregon, Minnesota, Utah, Indiana, and ITALY.  It's a schedule combining Ultra CX races, NUE races, a Stage Race, some events for fun, some R rated, and some that involve the winners getting inked.  It's so busy that my 19 days of paid vacation from work won't cover all of the fun.  I'll have to take unpaid time off.   Here is where living with my parents makes all the difference.   I don't need to care much about a paycheck!  I finally get to experience life not predicated by money.

Back to this race schedule not feeling right.   It honestly didn't.  In all of it's awesomeness, something was askew. 

I'm still watching the Tragedy and Hope video every morning.  Well, some mornings I'm running late and I just listen to it on the way to work.  This video is truly having an effect on me.  Maybe it's because my life is changing and I associate with this video.   I am in the position where I can do almost any thing I want with my life.  Much like a recent college graduate. 

My race schedule filled up my 2013 quantifying my entire year with bike races.   

What do I desire?  I have determined I do not desire to do only 1 thing.   I am absolutely defined as a jack of all trades, master of none.   If there's one thing I love about myself, it is that.   I have an overwhelming, all encompassing need to experience absolutely every thing in life that I can.   I don't find it necessary to be the best at anything. But I do feel the need to get a full and satisfying experience of it ALL. 

I started thinking about my 'bucket list."  I absolutely hate calling it that, but I have yet to come up with a name more clever.  I started a list on a blog when I came back from Utah of things I really want to do.  That prompted me to literally write down a bucket list.  Instead of keeping all of these dreams in my head. I put them on paper.   In black and white.  A hard copy list of things I literally will cross off upon completion. The list will keep me true to things I desire doing.  I'll post a blog at some point about my bucket list, when I come up with a better name for it.

So,
Thinking about my race schedule...
Thinking about the Tragedy and Hope video...
Thinking about my bucket list...

...Something finally clicked into place.

There are 2 scenes in the Tragedy and Hope video that have an effect on me:

One of the best books I've ever read was A Man's Life: Dispatches From Dangerous Places by Mr. Bad Ass himself Mark Jenkins.  In this book, numerous times, I was intrigued by the mountains he climbed.  I was especially excited for the summit days.   On almost every expedition, they would awake before sunrise, and head out of camp in the dark for the summit.  Hitting the summit.  The goal of the expedition.  Some times they got it.  Other times, weather broke his crews dream and it was impossible. In each story, the summit day was a time I could never put the book down.   I too, one day, wanted to wake up before sunrise for a summit attempt.   I wanted to unzip my tent to a view of a vast land of frozen snow and ice in an uber remote location.  So raw. So exciting.  An adventure of the truest sense. 

This all has led me to my next big adventure.   I'm truly more excited about this than I have been about any thing in a very long time.  

It has all resonated. 
It has all culminated. 
It has all come to fruition.
The trip is booked.   Happy birthday to myself.  

This June, 15 days after I finish TSE, I'm flying to Ashford, Washington to climb this beast of a mountain:


Mount Rainier

Mt Rainier Summit, 14,411 ft

To reach the summit I will get to traverse the beauty of Ingram Glacier:

Notice how far above the coulds it is. Awesome!

I get to use an ICE AXE for 2 days on this climb, which I'm stoked about.  Ice axes are totally BA (bad ass).

I will be getting my 'wake up before sunrise summit attempt' that I so desperately want:

Day 2 push to the summit

I can not wait.  I'm sitting on the edge of my seat just looking at these pictures, excited for my trip.   The beauty of climbing the mountain while the sun is coming up is sure to be one of the most memorable experiences of my life.  It'll be one of those mental pictures that burn in your memory for so long, with the hopes of never to be forgotten.  Memories are the best things I'll ever have.

I'm doing this trip alone.   I most likely could have searched through my vast expanse of friends and found someone to join me. But honestly, I need this trip to be on my own.  I will be on a guided trip with 9 strangers.  None that I can count on when times get tough.  When times get hard I always have a friend with in arms reach to lean on.   I am truly blessed and grateful every day for all of the people in my life.  But this trip, for my 36th birthday, I should roll solo.  Be brave. Be strong.  It's going to be hard.  It's as exciting as it is scary.  And I don't want to have any one to lean on at my disposal.  I want to do it on my own.  One of the most fabulous people in my life right now sent me this after I told him about my expedition:

It fits me so perfectly.  Climbing Mt Rainier scares the hell out of me.   It's also a necessary step in my Pursuit of Happiness.   My most exciting and memorable moments in life have been dead center on that chart.

If you've read my blog about my trip to Utah, you know I feel trapped by my east coast mentality.  I hope to get my elusive West Cost Jump Shot at the summit of Mt Rainier!!!

I will achieve a MOMENT I WILL NEVER FORGET.

My 2013 race schedule didn't feel right at first.  With the addition of the Mount Rainier Expedition, it now feels right.  This year will certainly prove to be my raddest year yet.

PS - Mom, do not freak out.  I will be fine.  I checked and only 2 people on average per year die trying to summit Mt Rainier.  I will wear my Road ID.  Not that they would ever be able to retrieve my body in the event of an avalanche, but maybe some day some one will find my left arm and return it to you.
:-) Love you momma.

SaSa's 2012

I've tried to write this blog post twice now.  I'm hoping the third time, this time, is a charm.  

To spite Dicky's advice, I can't leave my memory of 2012 as just this:

Usually the year in review is the easiest of all blog posts for me to write.   This time is different.  My years in review mostly focus on what I did bike related each month of the year.  My 2012 was a whole lot more than just riding a bike.   It doesn't feel right to completely dismiss everything bike related for my year in review blog though.  So, here's a short rant of bike related things I did in 2012 that I think were pretty cool.

*I finished my first 100 mile mountain bike race on my single speed and cut 90 minutes off of my previous years geared time.   Mission Accomplished

*I rode my bike from Harrisburg, PA to Ann Arbor, MI  PxC Bike Tour.

*I rode in total almost 4,000 miles (majority were mountain biking miles, not road)

*I finished my first 24 hour solo race on my single speed and in turn found that I absolutely love 24 hour racing (rigid, single, and solo of course)  24 solo

*I did some crit races even though they scared me to death Crit race

*I finished Iron CX on my single speed  Iron CX

2012 was a long year smothered almost entirely in happiness.   It was life mostly how I wanted it to happen.  

People came into my life.   I cut people out of my life.  I've appreciated each in their own way.  Some people came with a very hard touch.   Others with little effect.  All with some purpose. 

The following in short WAS my 2012.   Lessons I've learned.  Lessons I've had to relearn.  Mantras I lived by.  Mantras I will continue to live by.

This was my 2012:

"There are two types of pain you will go through in life.  The pain of discipline and the pain of regret.  The pain of discpline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons." -E. James Rohn

You must change to succeed.  Complacency breeds failure.  Change is the only constant in life.

Live life with unabashed fun.    It doesn't matter what other people think.  It only matters what you think.  Truly live life by your own rules. 

Be pissed off for greatness

Do what you can now.  You might not ever get another chance.

The mind is often stronger than the body.  Strengthen the body to live out the dreams of your mind

Don't be scared.  Be strong.  Just pick up the gun and shoot it.

"It's hard to dance with the devil on your back so shake him off"

Just do it.

"Love; it will not betray you, dismay you, or enslave you. It will set you free"

If you're doing something you feel you need to hide, it's probably something you should not be doing.

"Better to have a short life that is full of what you like doing, than a long life spent in a miserable way."

Become conscious of the coincidences in our lives

Life is an exercise in the creation of a menu of possibilities

Getting the negative out of your life allows room for positive to flow in and fill that space

Find strength in pain

I'm still watching this video every morning.   It's important to me to find the answer to the question, "What do I desire?"  It amazes me that I still haven't figured it out. Maybe I will in 2013.

Bold move

In 6 weeks I'm going to make a bold move in the name of training for a race.   On the scale of boldness, it doesn't rank quite as high as Andrea Wilson's bold move.   But it's a pretty significant life changing event for me.  I think most every one knows I'm moving back to my hometown of Carlisle.  I'll be very close to the trails in Michaux State Forest that will provide the best of the best training grounds for TSE.  I'm still determined to finish this race on my single speed.   It's going to be quite a challenge for me to finish each day.   Michaux needs to become my 2nd home soon.

My high maintenance girl

The real kicker in this bold move of mine is that I'm moving in with my parents.  Yes, I'm a 35 year old woman who has chosen to move back home with her parents.  This will afford me my freedom to do nothing but go to work and train for TSE.  Ideally most days of the week I want to train 3 times a day with long rides on the weekends.   Life doesn't afford me the time to do that now.   My dog has pestered me for attention 3 times already since I've started writing this.   She is very high maintenance and it's truly unfair to her that I spend so much time away from home and from her.  Living with my parents will be a good move for her as well.  She will have numerous people around her 24/7 to give her love, attention, and the long slow walks she looks forward to every day.  I look forward to the day I can leave to go for a bike ride and not get sad puppy dog eyes from her because I'm leaving her alone yet again.
At lunch the other day with a friend I said I was looking forward to my move.  I'm really ready for a change, something different.   I'm ready to leave York and go back to my hometown. Contradictory to something different as I'm heading straight towards the utmost familiar.  Living in York I'm pretty limited as far as road riding goes.  I can't venture out on my own or I'll get lost.  In Carlisle, I can just get on my bike and go.   I'm not familiar with many of the back roads in that area, but from just about any where I could find my way home.  Each road ride can be an adventure with the safety net of some what familiarity.   I've read an excellent blog in it's entirety once.    Jill used to explore Alaska via bike every day before work.  Reading her daily adventures were inspiring and I found myself often times jealous.   I'm looking forward to a little bit of that adventure myself when I move.  I'll be training a lot on my own.  Hopefully with each ride I can head out the door in a different direction, see something beautiful, get some good training in, and find my way home.
My tentative plan is to live with my parents at least until after TSE is over in June.   I'm going to Germany for a week in June after the race.  After that, I'm not sure what I'll do with my life.   I feel like a kid that has just graduated from college.   I've got the whole world at my feet.  So many opportunities.  So many possibilities.  And lucky for me, the financial means to take advantage of a lot of those.  I'm not really sure the direction my life will go.  I have a great desire to head out west.  I've recently learned that my company might be opening an office in San Jose.  That's one of the more permanent possibilities.   I could just head west for a couple years.  I could just stay east and build my dream dwelling in the woods and work toward some career goals of mine.   I really have no idea where my life is headed.  I do know it's pretty exciting and I'm very fortunate on so many levels to be in this position.
I've got a house full of things that must be dispositioned in one way or another. I'll soon only have 1 room to live in so down sizing is necessary.  I started packing a few weeks ago and it's so difficult and at times very heart breaking.  Imagine if you had to go through every single thing you own and determine it's worth.
Everything I own will either:
*Come with me to my parents house.  These are the precious things I don't want to live with out.
*Go into a storage unit.  These are things I can't part with, I don't use them every day, but I still need them accessible.   
*Given away to friends.  Things I no longer have use for might find a better home with some good people.
*Donated to charity
*Sent off to a landfill

I honestly thought this process would be easy at first.  I'm no longer a person that finds much value in material things.   I was when I was married, an unfortunate lesson learned from my husband.  I left that lifestyle in 2007 and was determined to never be like that again.  I even sold my car shortly after my divorce and bought a car I really don't care about.  My dog was the only precious thing in my life I felt strongly about and I wanted to keep my life that way.  
As I start to disposition all of my things I realize how much I truly still cling to material objects. 
It is, however, now different.  
When I was married, things that held significance to me where expensive cars, jewelry, clothes, purses, and designer furniture.  Material objects with great monetary value. 
Now, the material objects I find myself clinging to are things that hold great personal value.   The other day I was dispositioning things in a cabinet and I came across a small glass dish with snow flake stickers on it.   My nephew made it for me when he was a little kid and I keep hair ties in it now.  It's really something I do not need to keep.  It is however something I want to keep.  It has special meaning and I remember when he gave it to me.  My Kitchen Aid mixer is something I'm not sure what to do with.  I rarely use it any more.  It was a wedding gift from my ex-MIL, who has since passed away.   This truly should be given to a friend.  It will most likely go into storage.  And I wouldn't be surprised if I find myself hauling it across the country as well.  
So far though, the thing I came across that held the most sting of all...my wedding pictures.  I was married in 2005.  Divorced in 2007.  Looking at these pictures is honestly very surreal.

Me..in a wedding dress???  Did that really happen?

 

It did.

 

 

It was a fun day.

 

 

This picture reminds me of my husbands kind, loving, gentle soul.  I was his world.  He loved me more than any man ever will.  I could feel it in his touch and every time he held me.

 

Unfortunately I found the safety net of marriage too restrictive for me.  And I turned my back on it.

Shortly after this photo was taken a snake slithered across our path.  It was absolutely a sign.

 

I have digital copies of all of the photos.   The hard copies need dispositioned.   Some things and the meaning that they hold are just too much to bear at times. 

 

"Our love is questioned, such a mournful sound

Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn"

 

 

I don't know where my life is heading exactly. "The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step."  My first step starts in 6 weeks.  All of this packing certainly makes me think a lot about where I have been in life.  With resolute certainty I've made no mistakes.   I might have made some wrong decisions.   But I have made no mistakes.  My future shall follow suit.  

 

I am a strong person.

I can take care of myself. 

I will always land on my feet.  

I am scared. 

I am excited.

 



 

Sufferfest Week Update

Sufferfest Week is almost complete, the hard part is over.   Starting on Tuesday I did 2 hours of interval training every day (lie, I only got in 90 minutes on Tuesday).  I got 119 miles in on the bike the past 4 days.  I also went to the gym every day and worked over every body part to exhaustion.  The only components left of Sufferfest Week are a recovery ride tomorrow and Xmas Cross on Sunday  My ride location for tomorrow has been moved from Swatty to a local jaunt so I can ride with my homie.  My Octabong will be in tow for the race on Sunday so odds are I will be riding to where ever that is and probably crawling out of the woods back to the start/finish.

My sufferfest week so far hasn't been as hard as I thought it was going to be.  It still proved to be a damn good challenge.  My first challenge to over come was at 5am Wednesday morning.   My legs were stiff and tired from the gym and intervals the prior day.   I thought about this blog post, drug my sorry ass out of bed, and did the interval set.  "It's hard to dance with the devil on your back, so shake him off."

I had to stop thinking about it and just do it.  I am my most productive, efficient, and successful when I ignore how I feel about something and I simply, just go do it.  That is what got me through this week.  It's not hard for me to shut off feelings in regard to something and just focus on the task at hand.  I get this precious gift from my mother.  My mother is a hard woman.   She's the best mother in the world, the only woman I admire, and the only woman whose life I would trade my own to save.  She has never been much for feelings though.  If she had her own slogan it would be the same as Nike's "Just Do It."  She never wanted to hear how I felt about something, but was always interested in what was or had to be accomplished.  I remember mornings when she would wake me up and I would say that I didn't want to go to work.   Her typical response would be something like, "well you can tell me all about it this evening when you get home from work."  Hard woman.  No forgiveness.  I rarely understood my parents when is was young, but as I get older I appreciate the lessons I was taught.  My mother has taught me how to be a hard woman as well.  I set goals or desire to do certain things and I just do it.  I can feel all I want to about it after it is done. 

Thursday morning was my next challenge.  My racing mind forced a spell of insomnia all week.  I really hadn't a decent night of sleep since Friday night.  My dog woke me up shortly after 330am Thursday morning and she screwed around forcing me to not return to my warm bed until just after 4am.  My alarm started going off at 430am.  I snoozed twice then got out of bed.  I had to get at least an hour of intervals in this morning because I had a party to go to that evening.  The more time I got in on the bike in the morning was that much less time I would have to squeeze in after work that day.  I did end up only doing an hour that morning.   My body was tired.   I could barely push myself into heart rate zone 5.   Standing up and sprinting would do the trick, but I would tire out so fast doing that.   I suppose the Sufferfest week was catching up with me.  I had to keep pushing as hard as I could though....and I did.

 "I used to be so big and strong.  I used to know my right from wrong.  I used to never be afraid.  I used to be somebody.  I used to have something inside.  Now just this hole it's open wide.
I used to want it all.  I used to be somebody.  I was up above it.  Now I'm down in it." -NIN

 

 

Friday morning (this morning) was my next challenge.   The mornings were proving to be my most difficult challenges.   I was out late Thursday night.  When the alarm went off at 430am I may or may not have (I did) drop the F bomb.  And I may or may not have done it more than once (I did). Hang over head ache, sore stiff legs (which I destroyed at the gym again the day before), and running on 4 hours of sleep I got out of bed and got on the bike.   Again I couldn't rally much for zone 5, but I pushed as hard and as fast as I could.  I'm going to be deep in the pain cave at TSE and I need to learn how to over come it.   I only got a 40 minute session in this morning.  The marble size saddle sore I earned this week wasn't helping much with my desire to grind out the full hour.  I blocked it all out and just focused on my pyramid intervals and did the best I could.  I focused on each interval, ignoring the fact there would be another one coming next.  I gave everything I had to give to each one.  That might sound real tough, but my interval sesh really was a hot mess.   But it was my hot mess and considering the circumstances, I was still grinding them out as best I could on top of a pounding head. 

 

"Dearly beloved.  We are gathered here today to get through this thing called life.  Electric word life. It means forever and that's a mighty long time. But I'm here to tell you. There's something else. The afterworld.  A world of never ending happiness you can always see the sun, day or night.  So when you call up that shrink in Beverly Hills, you know the one - Dr Everything'll Be Alright.  Instead of asking him how much of your time is left ask him how much of your mind, baby.  'Cuz in this life, things are much harder than in the afterworld. In this life, YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN."  -Prince and the Revolution

My intervals tonight didn't go as badly as I thought they would.   I think I hit rock bottom this morning.  My 90 minute interval sesh tonight went much better than this mornings.  Starting from zero you've got nothing to lose.  I didn't expect a great performance tonight so I started the session out reading a new blog I've recently become interested in.  As I started into the intervals I realized I didn't feel too tired.  I was actually able to push harder than I thought.  I alternated intervals sets with high gear low cadence and low resistance high cadence.   It worked out well and the 90 minutes flew by.

 

The suffering part of Sufferfest week went rather well.  With riding every morning and night, my life and house are in complete disarray.   I started taking inventory today of everything that needs done.  

*My car is in need of some serious repair work (bent front rotors) and interior light bulb replacements.  Thank goodness cell phones now double as flash lights

*My kitchen light is broken.  Luckily the only thing I cook in my kitchen are PBRosa's, green smoothies, and protein shakes.  

*My dog needs a bath and I have to make a trip to the vet to pick up her allergy medicine.

*My dryer has become a secondary storage facility for clean clothes in addition to my closet. 

*My kitchen counter and sinks are full of dirty blender cups, nalgene bottles, and flabongos

*Christmas is coming and I have yet to purchase the 1 gift I'm required to buy for a family gift exchange.  It can't get it online and actually requires a trip to a store which I don't have time for.

*I need to take a 4 hour certification test next week in which I have studied maybe a total of 2 hours for in the past 6 months.   It's been a while since I've truly failed at something.  I expect it to be a humbling experience.

 

I have off work now until Jan 2nd.  I expect to get all things listed above completed.  I'm also going to come up with another Sufferfest concept for next week.  Plus I need to get rid of a ton of things and continue to pack for my move.

 

In more exciting news, I am getting more involved with the Roam Life experience.   I will be blogging up some things for them, doing an interview for their Amazing Women series, and promoting their fabulous website and concept.  More information to come soon.

 

 

 

 

 

 



 

Hell, Heaven

Life has been so busy lately.  Hectic days at work bleed into busy evenings.  I've got so many blog posts started and none finished.  Yet tonight I decide to write and finish one from scratch.   Bah!  I'll get to the others eventually.

Training for my 2013 race season has finally started to take on some structure.   It took me a lot longer than I wanted to mentally commit, but I finally got here.   I had a good training week last week and then I dropped the ball by being off the bike Friday through Monday.   I had a fun weekend, spent some time with friends, and got some things ready for my move.   Being off the bike wasn't intentional, it just kind of happened that way.   

My training this year is a little different verses last year.     Last year my winter training consisted of riding twice a day as often as I could and I went to the gym 3 days a week to work my upper body.  It was March I think until I started taking advantage of the personal trainer my company offered.  Working with him made a huge difference in the results I was seeing.   My 2012 race season was a success in my opinion, the only one that matters. I did better than I thought I would do at the races that mattered.  

My trainer is Superman.  I trust him.

My winter training this year for my 2013 season is more focused and quite honestly, much more painful than last winter.   I'm in the gym 5 days a week, sometimes twice a day.  My core and upper body get worked every day.  The hardest thing to get used to is working my legs twice a week.   I would never let my trainer touch my legs up until a couple weeks ago.   He, and the horrible race I had at Quantico, has convinced me that they need to be strengthened not just on the bike, but in the gym as well.   I've been having an extremely hard time with this concept.   One day my legs were shelled from a work out at the gym and I had a really bad performance on the bike that night.  I was uber frustrated that a ride suffered because of my dead legs from the gym.   The next day I saw my trainer and I voiced my concern.  He basically said that now is the time of year I need to 'suffer in the gym and survive on the bike.'   So, that's my mantra now.  It kind of sucks.  No it really sucks.   It basically means I train solo and it's going to be a long lonely winter.  And pretty much every time I actually get to ride my bike it's going to be painful.  I'm a pretty social person and I love me a good group ride.   But my leg muscles hurt every day, if they don't I'm not working them hard enough at the gym.  Achy, sore, stiff legs don't really afford me the opportunity to ride with a group often at all.  I've been lucky enough to catch a few group rides here and there on days that I feel some strength left in my legs.   But I'm mostly on my own.  Sad face.  My bestie trains by herself all of the time.   I  know this is just an adjustment I need to make and it will work out for me better in the end.  It'll surely help me to appreciate the group rides that I can attend that much more.  I did really want to make it to one of my 6am shop rides on a Saturday morning before I move, but it doesn't look like that might happen.    The past 2 Saturdays my legs have hurt to bad to attend that ride and I don't want to hold the group up.  Not a single one of them is starting a ride at 6am to not get in a good training ride.  They all have fresh legs so rightly, they should hammer it out.   This past Saturday was the first morning in 3 days I was able to bend over and touch my toes!  The pain and tightness in my hamstrings was finally loosening up a little.
Another adjustment to my training that differs a bit from last year are my trainer sessions.  Last year I did a shit ton of long drawn out zone spinning.   This year I'm doing morning and evening trainer sessions that include more purpose.  Since I took 4 days off the bike over the weekend, I'm mixing up my trainer work outs this week and doing what I'm calling a Sufferfest week.   Morning and evening I'm doing interval work.   It's definitely a Sufferfest.  Holy shit.   I did plyometrics at the gym yesterday and my legs HURT from ass to knee.   Since then I've logged 4 hours on the trainer and more time at the gym today.   My legs hurt to walking, sitting, and riding.  Awesomesauce.  I've got 4 more sufferfest sessions to go this week and I'm done.  I have a party to go to tomorrow night so rushing home to an interval sesh, showering, and partying is going to be even more of a rushed night than normal.   But yay for parties.  I'll be swearing at 4:30am Friday morning I'm sure.

I'm treating myself to a recovery ride at my sweet Swatara Saturday morning and to some more recovery at the Christmas CX 'race' on Sunday.  I still think both events, although they sound pleasant, are sure to be tough for me.  By Friday I'll probably be relegated to a wheel chair unable to support the weight of my own body, being quite thankful I have a desk job.   After an hour of intervals tomorrow morning, another set of plyometrics, core work, and working my back and bi's at the gym I should be crying for my mother around 3pm.  If not then I'll be cursing Contador tomorrow night while doing a Sufferfest video.  My legs freakin hurt last night and I was doing video with 10 minute climbs.  Contador would stand up and attack during the climbs and of course you're supposed to get out of the saddle and respond.    By the second 10 minute climb I was pissed.   Pissed at myself for not being stronger and pretty pissed at Contador. ha.  For the entire last 10 minute climb I repeatedly cranked Hell, Heaven by Parlovr.  Music helps immensely.

  

"in a bright, white aeroplane
tapping your fingers on a windowpane
in your seat like a black statue
you wish you wasn't but you is aren't you"

I felt like I was in Hell.    This Hell was my choice known as my Heaven.  "Cycling is so hard, the suffering is so intense, that it’s absolutely cleansing. The pain is so deep and strong that a curtain descends over your brain… Once, someone asked me what pleasure I took in riding for so long. ’Pleasure?’ I said. ’I don’t understand the question.’ I didn’t do it for pleasure, I did it for pain.
_{LANCE ARMSTRONG}

"and his mind game corners you
you thought it was a lie
but you made it the truth
in your seat like a black statue
you wish you wasn't but you is aren't you?
hell, heaven"

 

Every damn time Contador attacked. I responded.  I chased his hot lycra clad ass the entire way up the climb.  My legs burnt.  So many times, I wanted to slink back into the saddle and rest.  

 

"i've been wasting time trying to decide
you've got no choice you've got to stay
and the clouds are turning into your mothers face
in your seat like a white statue
you wish you wasn't but you is aren't you
and you relieve her of her veil
what happened to you next you couldn't tell
in your seat like a white statue"

 





Giving up and resting isn't going to get me any where on the bike or in the gym.  Every time my arms and legs shake with weakness and I feel like I can't pump out even 1 more rep...my trainer makes me do 5.  I'm training for a 7 day stage race which I absolutely insist on completing on my single speed. Slinking into my saddle for some rest right now is an unacceptable move to pull.  I can't bitch out just yet.  I wish I could have my personal trainer with me on every ride.  But I can't.   I've got to hear his voice and push through the pain just like I would if he were there.   It's not easy.  None of this is easy.  Easy things are rarely worth doing. 

 

I love riding my bike. I find great joy in doing just that.  Yes, some times it is sufferable. But it is my love and my passion.  My bike never ever steers me wrong.

 

"Love; it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the (wo)man you were made to be"